Punch Lines

  • Tough football game... 3 guys left the field injured during the coin toss...

  • Struck out asking Dolly Parton for a date... poured glue down her sweater.... if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

  • World's largest collection of jigsaw puzzles... wife caught him keeping a piece on the side.

  • Reporter left his instacam in men's room... up for Emmy... best "short" subject.

  • Quite an athlete in his younger days... 4 lettermen in high school... never did learn the rest of the alphabet.

  • Good basketball player... but he had a dribbling problem... minor surgery fixed that........

  • Death. Remember, that was Patrick Henry's SECOND choice.

  • Several workers died of Asbestos inhalation... it was almost impossible to cremate them.

  • I wanted to speak tonight about the value of making a decision and sticking with it... but I changed my mind.

  • You heard about the blind hooker in L.A.? You've really gotta' hand it to her........

  • Only forest fires can prevent bears.

  • Came from a big family.... Never got to sleep alone 'til he got married.

  • You know him.... He was formerly the bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

  • Today's the birth date of Horatio Mercury... he invented the mercury thermometer... he was 96 years old when he passed away... very sentimental service... before he was laid to rest, the pall bearers shook him down.

  • Senior citizen motto: "Walk slow and look irritated."

  • He was a former Democratic fundraiser 'til he raised enough funds to become a Republican.

  • His inflatable girlfriend ran off with a leaf-blower.

  • Getting pretty old... he was asked "boxers or briefs"? "Depends."

  • Bill Clinton's advisors told him he could get his popularity up 5 percent... start dating again.

  • Bill and Hillary were driving through their old neighborhood during a campaign trail and they stopped for some gas. Attendant was a big, good-looking guy... "Hillary?" "Charlie?" They hugged. Hillary introduced Charlie to Bill. "This was my senior prom date, he was the football captain." As they drove away, Bill had a big smile on his face... "Bet you're glad you married the President, huh?" Hillary said, "Oh, I don't know... if I would've married Charles, HE'D be President and YOU'D be pumping gas in Little Rock!"

  • Nebraska is a football powerhouse... not know for its academics though... most of players think that the bid red "N" at the top of the stadium stands for "Knowledge."

  • Closest call for old Freddy since he was 8 years old and his family almost lost him... a couple of miles further in the woods... they would have.

  • Small kid... learned to play the chopsticks on the piano from the inside.

  • Sensitive kid... wouldn't play football... when the other team huddled, he thought they were talking about him.

  • Pretty old... A lot of people wonder why he never learned to drive... traumatic experience... at Driver's Ed, the horse died.

  • Mixed emotions... my priest asked me to be his best man.

  • Told this guy that there are some low moral standards these days... told him "I never had sex with my wife before we were married... how 'bout you"? He said "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"

  • Overheard one gal asking another "Do you and your husband have Mutual Orgasm?" "No, I think we have State Farm."

  • "Why do I love finally having women in the audience? 50% are attentive and courteous. 30% could care less. 15% would rather be somewhere else. 5% sit quietly and have sexual fantasies about the Master of Ceremony... I'd like to address my remarks to THAT group."

  • It's nice when you're young and have only two worries... pimples and girls... you get one and the other disappears.

  • Topless trio... the 'Swingin' Six."

  • Burned his face... bobbin' for French fries.

  • Poor neighborhood... the rainbows were black and white. Tooth fairy used to leave IOU's.

  • He was an ugly baby... mother hung a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

  • Rectal brain scan.

  • Pretty boring town he grew up in... biggest thrill as a kid, there was a guy in town with 2 wooden legs... he set his legs on fire and watched him burn to the ground.

  • Toupee was attached by a near-sighted cat.

  • Son - "Dad, can I have an air rifle?" Father - "Not as long as I'm the head of the house!" Son - "If I had the rifle, you wouldn't be head of the house."

  • My old neighborhood - Bumper sticker "Honk if this is your car." (OJ Simpson)

  • "Turn off the lights, I freckle easily."

  • He came from a big family. All the kids had name tags. His said "Make me an offer."

  • He had long, curly hair, down below his shoulders; got it cut, surprised everyone, especially the boy carrying the books home.

  • You can count his accomplishments on the fingers of a BBQ mitt.

  • Mean kid. Put Jell-O in bird bath to watch the birds bound off.

  • He had a stable of racing turtles.

  • So cheap, he didn't give his employees a Christmas bonus, but he did give them a copy of this chest X-Rays. He wanted to show them his heart was in the right place. (Danny Thomas)

  • His football career ended when he was kicked off the team for unlacing a football for immoral purposes.

  • Asked the bartender for a "double"; brought out a guy that looked just like me.

  • Rich uncle died. Left him all his dresses.

  • His suit set off the smoke alarm.

  • Used to be a boy scout. Just last week he helped a little old lady across the street... into a motel. (Mickey Mantle)

  • South Florida... getting a bad rap. One of the healthiest places in the country. Hardly anybody dies of natural causes.

  • Broke into City Hall and stole the results of next year's election. (Ed Meese)

  • When he's right, he's the first to admit it. (Larry King)

  • Old school... Driver's Ed, Sex Ed, same car.

  • Invited to a woman's lib picnic. I was going to go until I found out it was a weenie roast.

  • 200 dollar suit... batteries extra.

  • Not too smart. On his way from Jacksonville to Miami, friends warned him that the Florida Highway Patrol was really giving out tickets. They said be very careful and obey all the signs. Got on the turnpike, first sign he saw said "Stop Ahead. Clean Restrooms." So he stopped and cleaned the restroom. Cleaned 27 restrooms by the time he got to Miami. (Terry Bradshaw)

  • I just got into town last night; no rooms to be had. Finally found a small room. Couldn't sleep because all night, I just kept hearing a dropping from the bathroom sink. Finally, I called the Front Desk and told the girl, "I gotta leak in the bathroom sink." She says, "Go ahead, you paid for the room."

  • You're old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't find out til Good Friday.

  • Newly elected judge has a 67 year old hooker just convicted... Doesn't know what to sentence her. Calls up long time judge and says "I have a 67 year old hooker up here in my court. What do I give her? Old judge says "If you give her more than 10 bucks, you'll destroy the whole Florida Judicial Privilege System."

  • Wealthy man had himself cloned. But the clone was REALLY nasty, making obscene gestures and foul language. Finally, the man pushes the clone out a 13th floor window! They couldn't try him for killing himself, though. Judge wanted a conviction. Finally got it with a charge of "Making an obscene clone fall."

  • Advice for a man with yellow teeth - "Wear a brown tie."

  • Quarterback was suspected of being gay. Just a passing fancy.

  • Woman's Lib dinner - dinner was frog legs - they were crossed.

  • Not the best banquet. Meat tastes like your dentist's fingers.

  • Hotel is first class. Real celebration in the kitchen tonight. Chef got a health card.

  • A lot of people think Utah is the end of the world... It ain't, but you can see it from there.

  • Bad experience last summer driving through the country. On a country road, hit and killed a farmer's prized bull. Got out and said to the farmer "Let's not report this to the insurance company. I'll replace the bull for you." Farmer said "Well, you got the build for it, but I don't know if you have the stamina." (Nick Buonoconti)

  • This guy's so tough, when he takes a physical, he makes the doctor cough. (Pete Banazack)

  • Guy is so slick; there was a grease fire in his clothes hamper. (Joe Garagiola)

  • So poor, we used to use lint from the dryer for napkins.

  • Entered Mr. America contest, lost citizenship.

  • On National Fruit Punch week, he socked a hairdresser.

  • So cheap, had Mother tattooed on his stomach so he wouldn't have to pay for the "o".

  • Tough childhood, circumcised with chain saw.

  • So cheap, he bought a beer for everyone in the room. When he got to me, the can was empty.

  • So dumb, I wanted to get him a Rubik's cube. He didn't know what color he wanted.

  • Polish Rubik's cube - 1 color.

  • Didn't do too well in school... they wanted a four letter work for a woman ending in "unt" (Aunt). Didn't have an eraser.

  • Went to introduce several Japanese Olympians the other night at a dinner. Couldn't pronounce their names. Said "You all know them, they brought us WWII."

  • "I'LL NEVER FORGET Miami TD Club in '68, Joe Willy advised the crowd to mortgage your house, borrow on your insurance money, take your money out of the bank, bet it all on the Jets on Sunday." Somebody in the crowd snickered; I think it was Don Shula. Then Joe said "I guarantee it." Joe is doing a promotion for Gulfstream Race Track. But don't bet on his selections... He gave me a horse to bet on... the horse comes out and the jockey was sitting on it backwards! Jockey says "Very sensitive horse, doesn't want anyone looking over his shoulder."

  • On Jets, Mark Gastineau... is writing a new book titled "The Joy of Sacks".

  • On UM Coach Jimmy Johnson... Jimmy has the smile of a choir boy and the guts of a burglar.

  • On NY Giants QB Phil Simms...The golden haired boy who helped pay for his schooling at Moorehead State by posing for holy pictures... was also a stunt man for some stag films made in Kentucky... a Giants' scout saw him on the screen and luckily opened the window.

  • On Dolphins Manny Fernandez... Looks like he just french-kissed a fuse box. One of the few players that's under his playing weight. Manny's an exercise nut. This morning was sprinting around the track, hurdles, chin-ups. Passed the tennis court, brand new tennis ball bounced over. Manny stuck it in his shorts... started doing chin-ups again. A stewardess walked by, asked him "What's that in your shorts?" Manny... "Tennis ball." Stewardess... "Must be painful. I had the elbow."

  • On Washington Redskins QB Billy Kilmer... "Billy played a major role in the Dolphins perfect 17-0 season. He was the quarterback for the Redskins in the Super Bowl. Billy is now an aging sex symbol for thousands of south Florida middle-aged women who just don't care anymore."

  • On Jim Plunkett... "Graduate of Stanford University where he received an education far beyond his intelligence. He's still winning awards. In February, he was named "Shopper of the Month at K-Mart."

  • On Howie Long... "Howie is good looking enough to make obscene phone calls, collect."

  • On Howard Cosell... "Howard plays the English language like an instrument which frustrates those of us who think alabaster is an illegitimate Mohammedan. I must say, though, that Howard did for football broadcasting what Orson Wells did for tap-dancing. He can talk about any facet of sports for 30 minutes, even longer if he actually knows anything about them."

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